Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
eww mummy girl is here...
what the fuckk. i just want to hold her down, wax her eyebrows, and give her some morals.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
They have a booking log online so i can just check that instead of call
Technology: making bailing your sister out easier since 2008
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
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