That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
Slut skills are useful in every country.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
