DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
Only a mothe r could love this liver
We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Randomize
