Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
