Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
29 Petty People Reveal The Shallow Reasons They Turned Someone Down
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
21 Horribly Evil Pranks To Play On Your Drunk Friends
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you