I met the nicest Tranny last night. He/She loves Cheetos.
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
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