I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
she has tattoo'd to her hips "grip here" this is why they made spring break
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
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