I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
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She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
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I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
Sorry about my life...
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes