forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
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