I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos