does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.