you still trying to smash that chick?
it's a losing battle and she kinda sucks. been busy with school so not getting midweek drunk - she's nearly unbearable sober
guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
My throat feels like a candle.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
Stay Away From These 29 Online Dating Red Flags
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
21 Rideshare Drivers Had to Drive These NSFW Passengers
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?