i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
Randomize
