We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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