just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
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i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
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My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
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