a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
