Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
Randomize
