the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
23 Bisexuals Confess The Biggest Differences Between Dating People Of Each Sex
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
These 25 Ruthless Teachers Embarrassed Their Students
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck