I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette