my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
Apparently they shut down a cook out cause people were selling drugsout the drive thru. Nice to be home
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
Randomize
