Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
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