My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
Randomize
