I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
Randomize
