I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Randomize
