I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
now acid just makes me think of crab ragoon
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
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