its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
Pornhub is actually a very wholesome website
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
Randomize
