Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.