I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
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just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
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Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode