I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
