update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
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