2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
chicago's viagra triangle is not unlike the bermuda triangle in thatt things just get lost...... planes, ships, dignity, virginity, etc.
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
