Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
I sometimes wonder how many of the girls I know have done anal...and why none of them have ever dated me.
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
