Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Randomize
