Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
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