My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
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