I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Well you know what I always say about freshmen.... If you want it, and they've got it... get it.
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
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