peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
Idk. Each time I ask him about double teaming a woman with Dennis Rodman he just giggles. We will never know what to believe.
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
Randomize
