And now I'm afraid that I'm a pornographic eater.
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
I heard from multiple reliable sources that she doesn't have a gag reflex. Of course I'm going to try to go home with her.
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Randomize
