i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
We convinced her the game "just the tip" was a billiards game. She was asking a couple guys if they wanted to play as we left. I kinda don't want to ask her how the rest of the night went.
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
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