I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
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She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
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Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
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