Were we dating when my roommates and I had the 'everyone gets laid' part?
Ya
I used to kick so much ass
Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
You were right. It hurts to walk today.
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
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