Swine flu. Run for my life!
It's not called being bisexual its called making out with anyone that has a mouth
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
Randomize
