You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
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