my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
seriously this is one of those moments where im glad i dont really talk to or know the people i sleep with
Well said.
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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