i'm lost and i look like a hooker
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
I think youre just another guy trying to take advantage of a young naive innocent girl
you're not innocent... Once you have taken it in the turd cutter you can't label yourself innocent.
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
Randomize
