The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
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The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
He's a Shit stain on my heart
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
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You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
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