either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
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