i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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