Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
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