I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
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