The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
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