Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize