Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
can you come here so we can have really loud sex? the girl upstairs walks so loud i want her to know how it feels
of course
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
Randomize
