I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
The 19 Strangest Things People Use To Get Off
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
These 25 Normal Couples Tried Porn Moves During Sex And It Ended Horribly
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
You need a sexual gate keeper
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies