Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
Drunk. The frashmen love me. Give them. Toilrt paper. And shiots
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
